On This Memorial Day…
Today, I match my deepest gratitude towards the members of our armed forces & their families for the sacrifices they have made…
with a vitriolic hatred for the war profiteers & propagandists who have taken full advantage of them.
So, I Turn 26 Today – The Hamster Wheel Of Doom And Other Lessons From A Quarter-Life-Crisis Survivor.
25 was the worst year of my life. The absolute worst. And the morbidly funny thing about bad situations? You learn a lot and grow from them. So I’ll begrudgingly take the painful-yet-liberating lessons I learned. And I’ll happily share them with you, dear friend.
Here they are, in no particular order, with all blood, guts, and glory exposed.
Read the rest of this entry »
Death, Puppies, And Viral Content – The Case Against Tragedy Porn.
There’s a fine line between sharing the stories of victims versus pimping out their suffering and death to gain, among other things, a morbid sense of self-righteousness.
At least, I thought there was a fine line. Whenever I go online, all I see is Tragedy Porn. And I’m sick of it. Read the rest of this entry »
The Public Restroom Rules & Rituals Of The Homo Americanus Male
(something I wrote on Facebook awhile back)
Because such an Atlantean mystery needs to be understood & resolved:
- 1. No talking except for action-oriented pleasantries: “excuse me”, “thank you”, “i believe you were before me”, “they’re never as good as the book. what was [insert shitty director] thinking? thank you. that last stall is open, i believe, all yours”.
- 2. No eye contact past rule #1.
- 3. Only three head positions when using the urinal – down, straight forward, up. If there are few men in line and no dividers, only use every other urinal. If there are ads above each urinal, read the one above yours only. Does the guy next to you have sweet kicks and a sick watch? Why do you know this?
- 4. Unless you’re 6 or younger, 60 or older, or drunk, do not drop pants & underwear while peeing at the urinal. Yes, “at” the urinal. If you’re in any of the three groups I mentioned, you’re definately not hitting the fly/bee.
- 5. Always wash your hands. Normally, with soap. Not like a fuckin’ surgeon, you over-eager dirty bastard.
- 6. Use the appropriate amounts of paper tissue needed to dry your hands, not a recently beached whale. Not sure why I used that metaphor. I couldnt think of anything else that was big, wet, and needed that much attention. Get your mind out of the gutter.
- 7. Shake off excesses water from hands before using the air dryer. Seriously. Stop complaining how “these things never work”. Also, Rule #1, jackass.
- 8. Speed up all rules after entering the restroom from a movie that took too long to end. Don’t blame the gigantic sized “family cup” of coke that cost you as much as your ticket. You knew what was going to happen. And no refills? Man, fuck this place.
- 9. Never ever drink from any beer you think was left there by the guy before you. It’s not beer. “but it looks like a Corona!”. It’s supposed to.
- 10. All rules void when shit-housed drunk. Talk, yell, sing dirges. Pee on the floor, pee on yourself. Call dibs on the hot chick. Mercilessly mock the drunk guy who called dibs on the ugly chick he thought was hot. Complain. Compare. Act normal when walking out. When female friends ask what was going on in there, say “Nothing. We don’t do the weird stuff that y’all do in the restrooms. We’re men”.
Playing Devil’s Advocate on Valentine’s Day.
*A little something I wrote on Facebook. My friend Sam wrote a pretty good status update about love and relationships. I decided to be an ass and write the opposite.
Valentine’s Day is the Black Friday of expectations. There, i said it. Read the rest of this entry »
“Even God Is Pro-Choice” – The False Pro-Life Position, Komen/Planned-Parenthood, And The Freedom To Choose.
The recent news of the Susan G. Komen For the Cure Foundation pulling breast-cancer screening funds from Planned Parenthood has brought up some points on abortion, which is one of the main hot button issues in the U.S. Naturally, I wanted to address this issue head-on. In the nature and honor of full disclosure, let it be known that I am a liberal/progressive and a Christian. Here we go…
The False Pro-Life Position
The Pro-Life position doesn’t exist. Yes, you read that correctly. Read the rest of this entry »
Oh Sweet Capitalism: Fiscal Conservatives Charge Trick-Or-Treaters For Candy
(Reuters) – This Halloween, fiscal conservatives want to teach your kids about capitalism by charging them for candy.
“We thought it was a brilliant idea,” said Jane Crockett, head of the Houston Tea Party and leader of the initiative. “Giving out candy, for free? To people who didn’t work for it? That’s just so…socialist”.
Coffee Shortages Continue, U.S. Self-Destructs.
HOUSTON – As destruction and death rain down on the 4th largest city of the U.S., Houstonians are trying to make sense of a new world without an essential ingredient…coffee.
Here’s My Cover Letter. Be Jealous. Also, Hire Me.
I’m feeling incredibly snarky today. So I wrote this for my LinkedIn profile. If anything, maybe the writers of Family Guy would love it…
And here I am, in full (naked) glory, subjecting myself to the soul-crushing business style that Scott Adams rightfully satirizes:
Local Woman Becomes Arms-Dealer To Satisfy Shoe Addiction.
(REUTERS – HOUSTON) – With her easy laugh and high spirits, you wouldn’t know that “Charlotte Smith”[alias] is the world’s deadliest arms-dealer.
“It all started when I saw a sexy pair of heels I totally wanted but couldn’t afford”, she recalls over a phone interview. “Every woman knows that horrible feeling”.
